Tales of being a rookie Santa

I gave it a go for the first time and enjoyed the heck out of it

A month or so ago, I was contacted by a friend who works at the Old Mill District asking if I’d be interested in being one of their Santas this year at the shopping center in Bend.

I figured why not? I’m mostly retired and I love kids and the holiday season.

I went to the Santa and elves orientation before Thanksgiving and learned that I’d have three shifts as the jolly old fellow, the last of which was yesterday afternoon.

Before my first appearance, I read tips on being a good Santa on line and heard from a veteran Santa via email who gave me more pointers. This guy makes $300 an hour playing Santa and has an agent. I got a gift bag with a bottle of wine, a pair of socks, some coffee and two passes to the local movie theater each time I played Santa.

But honestly, I would have done it for nothing because it was that much fun. I actually prepped by working on my HO HO HO‘S and a bellowing MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I rang bells when I showed up before plopping my fat rear end into the red velvet throne, awaiting visits from kids of all ages.

It’s amazing to me how many parents are willing to put their crying infants in the hands of this white bearded stranger for the sake of a photo that will bring back great memories in years to come.

There were times when I wanted to yell to the parents: “Can’t you see that your kid is crying his eyes out? Come get him, dammit!”

But they were too busy making funny faces behind the photographer, trying the impossible - to get their kid to smile.

I understood though, we’ve all been through it when we had little kids. It’s a big deal to go see Santa and tell him what you want for Christmas.

Most of the time, I would ask them questions before we got to their wish list, wondering what grade they were in and how school was going and what their favorite subject was.

“I don’t have a favorite subject,” said one kid.

“Recess!” said his brother.

Since I was a Santa in Oregon, I saw a lot of kids who love the Ducks and asked me if I could help them win the national championship. But I liked one of the last kids I saw more than the little Duck fans.

He was a 9-year-old Beaver fan and told me how much he enjoyed going to Reser Stadium for the games. I told him I did too and asked him if he knew what I liked the most about going to games in Corvallis?

“What?” he said.

“The chainsaw!” I said.

He laughed, and then I wanted to see how much of a Beaver fan he truly was.

“Are you hoping the Ducks DON’T win the national championship?”

“Yes,” he said, thereby confirming he had great Oregon State parents while warming Santa’s heart.

My favorite kid was probably 6 or 7 years old. I’ve even forgot his name and what he wanted for Christmas. But I’ll never forget him running up to me and giving me the biggest hug in the world while telling me: “I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!”

The moment was too much for one kid. He was 8 years old and looked as handsome as could be in his plaid shirt with a bow tie and ironed pants. His curly hair was combed perfectly, and I loved that kid as soon as I saw him.

But when it came time to take a photo with me and his sister, he threw up. The poor kid proceeded to drop to his knees and kept puking while the photographer and elves scurried about, looking for a garbage can since the kid was hurling on the carpet.

After he recovered, I went over and tried to comfort him. Told him I would make sure he had a very Merry Christmas.

The oddest request came from one little girl who asked me if I could turn her into a fairy. But the all-timer came from a 10-year-old boy who asked if I had enough magic to turn back time.

I said: “Yes, I’m Santa, I can do anything.”

He said: “OK then, can you go back to that Super Bowl and tell Pete Carroll to run the ball from the 1-yard line against the Patriots?”

All I could do was laugh. I told him Santa would see if the elves could help him with that.

If you ever get the chance to be a Santa, jump at the opportunity. One of my fellow Santas said it’s the best thing he’s ever done. The joy on those little faces was the best payback ever.