Will the Smokin’ Lock suck again?

Dumb question, of course it will, I mean, of course it won’t! Plus why do I think I can play nine rounds of golf in the next six days?

BEND, Ore. - I think I may have mentioned that the return of The Smokin’ Lock of the Week was a rousing failure last week.

I loved the Beavers against Cal. They were at Reser Stadium where the chainsaw revving on third down is one of the best things ever. They are an original member of the Pac-2 and they’re the Beavs, a Coug’s second favorite team because they’ve been through all of the same crap we have.

But all of that must have clouded some clear thinking because Cal was the vastly better team, causing the Smokin’ Lock to go 0-1.

Even if history tells you otherwise, it’s way too early to think that this season of Smokin’ Locks of the Week will be like all the other seasons - disastrous for anyone betting with me but terrific for those who have cashed in by going with the opposite team. I hate all of you who bet on Cal!

This week I’m going with a team that barely won last week. They’re a team that has been disappointing for most of my life, but I always stick with them because THEY’RE MY TEAM and I’m so damn proud that THEY’RE MY TEAM and wouldn’t want it any other way.

Not many think the Cougs were worth a damn last week in their 13-10 win over Idaho. Whoever thought they were didn’t watch the same game I did. It looks too obvious to bet on San Diego State as a 1-point underdog at Martin Stadium, but as I’ve said over and over again, when it looks too obvious, you should either not bet on the game or bet on the other team, and the other team in this case is my team, the Cougs.

As you no doubt know, I love the Cougs but have no good reason to make this my Smokin’ Lock of the Week but WTF, why the hell not? Even if last week’s lackluster debut by Jimmy Rogers was an answer to why the hell not?

But as Jason Puckett calls us, we’re America’s Team and by God, come 10:30 tonight, we’re all gonna give them a standing ovation in sports books across the land after we bet on Washington State to actually look like a football team, enough of one anyway to beat San Diego State and even the Smokin’ Lock record at 1-1.

AM I OUT OF MY MIND?

Just before noon today, I will attempt to play nine rounds of golf in six days. When I was in my 20’s and 30’s, maybe even my 40’s, no big deal. Back then it was more fun to play 36 holes instead of 18 in one day.

I honestly don’t know if I’ll be able to finish this gauntlet of golf. Besides it being 162 holes, my game isn’t exactly sharp these days. At 68, I’m lucky if I hit my drives 230 yards, OK 220 yards, and I’m such a mental midget with my short game that I’m thinking about hitting chips one-handed like I did one summer several years ago.

But it’s not like I’m running a marathon. I’m going to be in a cart for every round and drinking beer and when I run out, I’ll ask the beverage cart girl for another. So there’s that.

But still, I took my dogs on a 3 1/2-mile walk the other day and walked 18 holes that afternoon at Crooked River in 90-degree heat and was absolutely exhausted when I got home.

By the way, I’ve run one marathon in my life, and I consider that my greatest achievement to date. I was 29 and ran in the Vancouver Marathon. I set a goal of 3 hours and 52 minutes, because that’s the average for 9-minute miles, and finished in 3:48. I can’t tell you how proud I was. The last mile, there were some other runners who needed medical assistance and I kept thinking, Jim, are you OK, you’re not gonna fall flat on the pavement, are you?

But it’s almost 40 years later, and I have a better chance of falling flat on the fairway than I did on the pavement back then.

Anyway, how did this golf gauntlet come about? In an unusual turn of events. I met Stephan Guertler on a media golf trip many years ago after the Post-Intelligencer closed. Media golf trips are absolute boondoggles, featuring free everything, from five-star accommodations to booze to the meals and the golf too.

I went on three of those boondoggles to Thailand, Puerto Vallarta and Puerto Rico, where I met Stephan, another freeloader like me. It’s a hell of a deal, all you have to do is write a story for some publication in exchange for all that free stuff.

Stephan lives in Vienna, Austria, and we have kept in touch via texts for years. I have no idea how he pulled off this version of a free golf trip, but he did. I only have to pay for one of the Pronghorn rounds to the tune of $150, far below the going rate for the Nicklaus course there.

I don’t have to pay for the other eight rounds so if you average it out, $150 for nine rounds of golf, that’s about $16 a round to play all of these high-end courses.

The toughest stretch will be the back-to-back 36-hole days on Tuesday and Wednesday finishing up with the biggest and baddest beast of all at Crosswater in Sunriver.

Stephan’s in his 40’s so it’ll no doubt be no big deal for him to take the checkered flag after we play our final round at the Woodlands in Sunriver.

For me, I don’t know, Puck set the over-under at four courses, thinking I’ll be lucky to get through four rounds, maybe five, probably three.

He might be right. I was tired after hitting a bucket of 40 balls at Lost Tracks yesterday afternoon.

If I make it through all nine rounds, I’m guessing the over-under for my total score combined should be around 830, which would be an average of around 92. What ya takin’, over 830 or under?