I’m a proud cyberdunce

Digital this, digital that, high tech crap, streaming, six-digit codes, blow all of it up!

I’ve reached my breaking point several times as it pertains to the latest developments in technology and recently received yet another reminder that I miss the good old days.

I’ve also reached the point of not caring if anyone thinks I’m just an old man who is yelling at a cloud or telling you to get off my lawn.

Thing is, I can’t be alone when it comes to all of this crap. I admit to being ancient at the age of 67. I learned to type on a manual typewriter in the eighth grade at Redmond Junior High, where we were the Warriors and our school newspaper was called Smoke Signals. I’m sure those things have more politically correct names now.

I grew with the times, appreciating a high school graduation gift of an electric typewriter from my parents.

Early on when I worked at the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, I used a Radio Shack laptop, which was basically a piece of shit but I loved it anyway until one afternoon when it malfunctioned one too many times, causing me to completely lose my mind.

I threw that thing on the sidewalk in front of our Renton Highlands home and proceeded to stomp on it over and over again, smashing it to smithereens.

That little tantrum cost me $1,800 because the P-I owned it. For the next 18 weeks, $100 was taken out of my paychecks.

Improvements in technology have certainly improved our lives in countless ways, but I’m still reluctant to embrace it all.

I don’t use digital calendars, preferring to still write things down in my spiral notebook. I don’t have a Bank of America on-line account. When I want to know what my balance is, I call the Bank of America robot lady at 800-432-1000.

When I worked at KJR, every time you wanted to go into your work email, you had to enter a six-digit code, a step I just didn’t want to take anymore. I am so sick of six-digit codes, really sick, having to puke sick.

Screw whoever came up with six-digit codes, I hate you. And I hate the scammers who caused all of this security shit to happen. What they need to do is shoot a scammer or two, and after word gets out about that, the scammers might crawl into their little dark holes and live out the rest of their crummy little lives, fearing the consequences of their actions.

In the meantime, you can shove those six-digit codes up your ass, not yours, but anyone’s ass who causes us to have to use those damn things on what seems to be a daily basis.

I’m also greatly bothered by the Tacoma News Tribune’s policy for free-lance writers like me. I have to fill out a convoluted and confusing invoice to get paid and now they’re asking for my account number for direct deposit and I’m thinking, thanks for thinking enough of me to have me write for your publication, but how about just sending me a check for $100 every time I write a column and stop it with all the other nonsense.

Besides, and I know this is strange, I still like cash! I still like to endorse a check and have the bank lady hand me money.

And how many times have you forgotten your password and had to reset your password and forgotten that one too? Then you have to prove you’re not a robot by determining which little squares show parts of a motorcycle or traffic lights.

Fuck all of that.

I lost it again this week when I applied to be a substitute teacher in the Bend School District. I’m just looking for some part-time work as a mostly retired guy and thought that being a fill-in teacher would be fun - I like kids and thought about being a P.E. teacher once upon a time and the pay’s not bad, a little more than $200 a day.

So I filled out the application and hit the send button, thinking I successfully followed the instructions. WRONG! I was told by someone named Ann Marie that she did not receive my application.

I emailed her back and said that I would try again, admitting that I could be a cyberdunce at times.

That admission prompted a follow-up email from Ann Marie informing me in so many words that cyberdunces need not apply.

Snooty Ann Marie said: ‘Tech skills are one of the number one requirements for members of our Substitute pool, as all of our schools use technology with every student in every classroom, and our placement software and timesheet system is also very tech heavy and skills with app platforms and websites are essential.’

I wrote back to Snooty Ann Marie that I think the No. 1 requirement for this job should be the ability to effectively communicate with kids and conduct oneself in a good way in front of a classroom, not whether I can correctly fill out some digital shit.

I was thinking to myself, if I have issues with this digital shit, I’ll just go next door to where 28-year-old Miss Jones teaching her U.S. history class would be happy to help me out.

I’m guessing I’ll never meet Miss Jones because my response to Snooty Ann Marie no doubt put my application into her circular bin.

If I’m rejected because I’m a cyberdunce, oh well, I won’t be bitter about it, I’ll just hope that Snooty Ann Marie hires some tekkie who flawlessly fills out her dumb-ass forms but sucks as a substitute teacher, causing her to wonder if she should have hired that old asshole instead.

Dry January update

I’ve successfully made it through half of the month and firmly believe that today, Jan. 16th, should be a day in which it’s ok to have a cocktail if you really need one.

Like last night, my wife was driving like a mad-woman, running red lights galore, just to get to a restaurant where we were meeting her sister and her husband for dinner. I was frazzled by the time we arrived and ordered a water on the rocks when I really wanted a triple Jack on the rocks.

I say you should get a dry January pass today because it’s the midpoint of the month. Those of us who recognize dry January know that we’ve made it 15 days without a drink and starting tomorrow, we have 15 more days to go. On Jan. 16th, we should get a break.

Confession with a question: I haven’t had a drink this month but on two occasions I had an edible so do I have to put an asterisk on dry January for that? Like yesterday I had one before I took my dogs to a Scottsdale park. Threw the Frisbees for them and laid in the warm sun, enjoying the afternoon with peace and quiet.

Thanks for reading this far if you have. Hope you’ll subscribe and continue to stop by. Go Cougs tonight in San Diego on a Cougar Basketball Thursday.